Friendship

Friendship is a weird ass thing. There are people I like. There are people I love. Things have gotten so complicated now. I just want people who know what I'm talking about to know that I love them and like them. No matter what. I try to be strong for people I love, but it's not always easy. I feel like people are abandoning me as if I was a burning building or a resident of New Orleans (rimshot please). Why can't it be simple? We don't always have people who really love us in our lives and when there is someone who does, we work so hard to keep them away. I think I've given up trying. For my own sanity and happiness. I think it wise to take a zen approach now. If and when people are ready to come back and really be a friend, who are really ready to share their lives with me, they will. And if they don't, I'll be sad, but I'll be healthy at least. It's hard not to feel as if I've done something terribly wrong. I think my biggest sin is getting panicky and impatient and frustrated. I'm sorry if that's what I've done. I'm trying to be better at it, but I guess I have some needs too and I can't always control the frustration. I need someone who knows me to be around for me to at least rest my enormous head on their shoulder for a second. I've always had to be strong for myself and for everyone else. And I can't be strong forever and ever. And I know people don't ask that of me, but I feel an obligation. I'm trying to correct that. I do love myself. I love other people a lot too, but I do love myself. Reluctantly. Please, those that I love, please come back to me some day. Please don't destroy yourself or the bonds that we share permanently. I'm talking about real friendship and caring. It's at the core of what matters most. Whatever bullshit that is floating around--that is secondary. I really do have all the caring in the world for my closest friends, but I can't--I won't stand in the rain by myself forever. And I would hope and think that you feel a little of love and caring for me in return. Doesn't anyone miss me? Sometimes it feels as if y'all don't even care about me. I know you do, but I need to see evidence of it once in a while. I'm not asking for your soul. Okay maybe I am. I forget. I am the Antsy Devil, aren't I? Oh my, I think I'm babbling to myself now. Anyway, I miss people. I miss the relationships I've formed over the years and I know things can seem complicated, but it doesn't have to be. Take care all.
Oh by the way, the image is a Bas Jan Ader piece. I love Bas too. I hope if he is secretly alive that he contacts me. Hello Bas. I love you. Your secret is safe with me...