Happy Chinese New Year!

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Leviticus

Dr. Laura--Before and After

This is something from my friend Melanie. Thanks Mel.


WHY CAN'T I OWN A CANADIAN?
October 2002


Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Oh, ambition!

Chew your food kids!

RIP Shelley Winters

I'm Gonna Miss Your Lovin'

RIP Lou

First Poem of the Year

Folding Chair

…pushing the boundaries of violence
To its broken conclusion.

A kaleidoscope of petulant sounds
Inundate the belly of the ear,
A sunken vessel laid out on the rocks,
Split open, stern to belly,
The contents streaming into the atmosphere
A distress signal--
Smoking on the beach,
A fire of driftwood and sand crabs,
Skittering and popping,
The end of a violent day, the start of a violent night.

The opera reeks of sandalwood and spiced oranges,
And heavy curtains lay on the body--
The tragedy of the German language.
I am an imbecile and I will sing for you
So you can feel my pain.
(Here you will supply your favorite tragic love song, an aria perhaps, or a ditty by
Johnny Hartman, you know, whatever grabs you in the guts, nuts or whatever,
Whatever takes you down to that place--you know the place--the place where violence sits quietly on a folding chair.
You will take me there
And serve me tea and you will dance with me
The way tormented lovers do--
As if, by dancing, they will stay alive, together,
On a stage, behind a heavy curtain,
With the footlights blinding you from the body,
The body, the beautiful body at your feet,
As if, by dancing, you would raise the dead,
Raise the dead into the air,
An exultation of the moment we realize that
The moment has passed ,
Has passed us by,
Has passed us all,
Into the wings).
Exeunt.

RJS
2am, 010106